Hookup Redux – Contemplating marriage, divorce and genocide

Today Magazine Online
18 hours ago
20 min read

• No-Fault Divorce Is Horrific Nonstarter • Commentary

This is an updated and abridged version of a commentary essay that was first published in Today Magazine Online three years ago — the essay's first three paragraphs originally appeared as the Leading Off column connected to a Today Magazine cover story that received a first-place SPJ award — this revamped commentary remains timeless and relevant today

By Bruce William Deckert

Editor-in-Chief • Today Magazine Online

A word to the wise — the February installment of Today Magazine is a heavy-duty edition, dealing with the Twin Tower topics of Avon High’s Abrahamic Bus Ride Against Hate and the Rwanda genocide.

So once you’re seated, fasten your seatbelt and be prepared as this bus ride progresses for some tough turns, and even a “death trap” collision a la the rock classic “Born To Run” by Bruce Springsteen, my fellow New Jersey native.

Speaking of songs and the Abrahamic theme, a musical memory from my childhood is of my Mom singing the children’s song “Father Abraham Had Many Sons” a cappella. My Mom’s a-cappella version was of course devoid of the annoying (to me) techno-auto-backbeat in a few recorded versions I heard recently, so among the various aspects of my growing-up years that I’m grateful to my Mom for, her rendition of this song has risen higher on the list.

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A FAMILY STORY

My Mom’s birth name was Anneliese Clara Stickel. By the time she died, her name had changed twice, and on the day of her death, a simpler version of her name was Ann (Deckert) Baker. Her first husband was my Dad, naturally — and she had a double-right to divorce him, unlike so many heartbreaking no-fault divorce stories, for my Dad had two physical affairs.

Despite his tragic marital decisions that shipwrecked my family of origin, my Dad was arguably my biggest fan as I embarked on my journalism career — one of the profound and heart-rending paradoxes of my life.

My Mom and Dad were New Jersey natives. My Mom’s second husband was Cliff Baker, also a Jersey original — and while they were married for nearly three decades and he was my Mom's husband, I never saw Cliff as my stepfather because I already had a Dad and I was only a year-plus away from going off to college when they wed. Their love story was a rough road in some significant ways, but they remained committed to one another throughout their roller-coaster journey — and I believe it’s self-evident to everyone who genuinely understands love that such commitment is the bedrock reality of all true love stories.

At the time of her passing, my Mom and Cliff had 13 grandchildren — a Baker's dozen!

To this day, I wish my parents had stayed together. My experience is that my parents’ divorce has been similar to an atomic bomb that exploded in my heart and mind and life: a nuclear family event, truly. When they split up, my heart somehow split in two, as far as I can tell. It has been said that when a parent wrongly causes and pursues a divorce, each child is cruelly sawed in half.

In my middle-age years, I've continued to sort through the wreckage of my broken home, even as new construction is (I hope and pray) ongoing. The nonfiction book “A Hole in My Heart” and many other witnesses indicate that this is a pervasive experience among adult children of divorce.

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UNIVERSAL BOMB BLAST

By the way, I see more clearly now that children from intact families actually wrestle with the same issues, but that topic will have to hold for another day and another essay. For now, suffice it to say that I think this bomb blast is a common ordeal for every child of every Mom and Dad. Intact marriages have too many fissures and fault lines to protect children from the atomic blasts of society and human history, never mind the issues from their own dual family histories.

Yes, I've wondered whether the above bomb-and-saw-in-two descriptions are fully accurate regarding children of divorce — or are they hyperbolic overstatements — but I've also become more convinced over time that these powerful metaphors indeed accurately describe the human enigma of every child, whether the home is intact or broken, given the conflict inherent in and woven throughout the fabric of human history. As the saying goes, every family is a broken family.

Yet let’s get this clear — I believe it’s far better to have an intact but imperfect marriage, as all marriages are, than to go the horrific way of no-fault divorce followed by another marriage.

Further, I want to be clear about this: My Mom’s marriage to Cliff expanded my family to include three step-siblings — his children from his first marriage, a union that was essentially severed by his first wife’s affair.

My Mom was intentional and kindhearted in planning an annual summer vacation that brought us all together for 15 years after Mina and I married and welcomed a son named Luke George and a daughter named Kayla Anneliese into our family. In that single summertime week — and at other family times around the holidays and such — we built some strong bonds that I hope and pray will remain forever.

My blood-brother is named Glenn, my brothers-from-another-mother are named Cliffy aka Cliff and Robby aka Rob, and our sister and stepsister — as the lone female among us five step-siblings — is the proverbial rose among the thorns. Her name is being withheld because, if I understand correctly, she prefers privacy in the media and social media realm regarding sensitive matters.

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HEARTACHES AND JOYS

All five of us have endured heartaches and experienced joys as adults in our respective roller-coaster marriages and families — each of us has inflicted heartache on others through the twists and turns and ups and downs of life’s journey, and we’ve also had heartache inflicted on each of us, along with giving and receiving joy.

Most of the time, I believe this heartache-inflicting has been unintentional and inadvertent, a byproduct of our jagged edges in a broken world. But for most of our lives we have remained committed to each other and have loved each other insofar as this is is humanly possible — that’s what families are for — and I pray that wherever hearts are hurting and divided in our family, healing will salve the wounds and hope will solve the riddle of our longing and aching and ever-hoping souls … welcome to the complexities and conundrums of a blended family.

Still, to this day, I hate my Dad’s decision to leave my Mom and my brother and me. And to this day, I still love my Dad — he died young, at 52 years of age. Cliff hung on for three decades longer, dying at 81.

My Mom died at 72, and she was a quintessential model of the kind of commitment-first love that keeps families together and growing strong — and I still love my Mom, and wish my parents were here so I’d be able to ask them countless questions and share the success I’ve experienced in launching Today Magazine and Today Magazine Online via the Today Publishing media outlet.

In Today's seven-year history, this fledgling magazine has received 74 awards in the Society of Professional Journalists contest sponsored by the SPJ's Connecticut chapter — an astounding 34 writers (including myself) and three contributing photographers have won SPJ awards for our Today work.

The past two years, Today has garnered twice as many awards as all other state magazines combined, including the granddaddy of Constitution State magazines: Connecticut Magazine. In 2024 and 2025, Today Magazine won 34 awards overall while Connecticut Magazine received nine. The 2026 SPJ contest hasn't taken place yet.

After 17 years of toiling as a news editor and talent-integration editor and copy editor at ESPN Digital Media, where I believe my God-given talents were underutilized, this astonishing journalistic success has certainly been gratifying and beyond my expectations.

I wish my Mom and Dad — and another exceptionally significant person in my life — were still here to share in this award-winning validation and joy.

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GENOCIDE OF THE HEART

By the way, are you wondering why I’ve devoted this space for a lengthy column focusing on my family history and marriage and divorce — by far the longest publisher’s Leading Off column in Today Magazine history — in an edition that deals with the horror of genocide?

Here’s why: I believe that divorce — whether caused by physical adultery or of the no-fault variety — is essentially a genocide of the heart that we as a society must avoid like the plague.

Maybe you believe calling divorce a “genocide of the heart” is going too far, and you are surely entitled to your opinion. Whether you agree or disagree, with my assessment here or elsewhere in this essay, I’m willing to have a conversation at a mutually convenient time so we can hopefully hear each other’s perspectives and grow accordingly. Safe to say, we all can learn something new every day.

When divorce occurs, restorative justice and reconciliation — as practiced in Rwanda after the 1994 genocide — are essential prerequisites for husbands and wives and moms and dads and sons and daughters and brothers and sisters to heal and move forward the one day at a time. Absent restorative justice, punitive justice is evidently the final answer.

Here in the Farmington Valley and across Connecticut, if we see divorce not only as a societal scourge but also as a genocide for children and families, then husbands and wives will be more likely to practice two family-saving protocols:

1. Keep your clothes on, period — except when you’re in your spouse’s presence.

2A. Whenever the divorce sentiment rises up in your inner psyche, don’t divorce your spouse — instead, divorce that appalling and atrocious divorce sentiment from your own heart and mind.

2B. Indeed, go further than that … find the source and KILL that divorce seed in yourself — the seems-so-appealing, grass-seems-greener divorce weed in your heart — at its root, every day, day after day.

That’s the ruthless commitment necessary for true love to survive and grow and thrive — and the good news is that when you kill that divorce weed-and-seed in yourself, the cut-off clippings can become compost and essential fertilizer, given the guidance of the best gardening practices for marriages and families, along with the best Gardener.

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SELF-INFLICTED DEATH = LIFE

In other words: Instead of inflicting the genocide of divorce on your marriage and children, inflict your desire for a retribution-driven divorce on yourself — take your divorce-desire and turn it against itself, so as you kill that divorce-desire in yourself, you’ll set yourself free to live your best possible life in union with your first love.

As far as I can see, when husbands and wives decide to renounce their first-love choice and instead choose no-fault divorce, and then enter the unhealthy confines and cauldron of a second marriage, those men and women have essentially trafficked themselves. Worse yet, when church leaders by their voiced words or silence endorse a spouse's choice to opt for no-fault divorce and then marry someone else, those so-called leaders are fundamentally acting not as caring shepherds of God's flock but rather as unholy sex traffickers.

Further observations and analogies: Remove the divorce cancer-gene from your own marital heart so your first marriage’s healthy heart-cells can grow. Execute that creature-from-the-black-lagoon divorce sentiment whenever it surfaces in your own psyche. Cut off your arm whenever it even remotely begins to reach out and touch anyone except your spouse — your first and true love.

Sure, no-fault divorce can seem as appealing as a tantalizing hookup between a bikini-body babe and a rugged beach stud — yet after a short-lived honeymoon period, you can bet the farm and the barn that two toddlers who have thrown tantrums in their first marriages and succumbed to no-fault divorce will be hopelessly unable to sustain the maturity and selfless love needed for true love to flourish in a bogus second marriage.

All the best love stories make this crystal-clear — haven’t we been paying attention to the classic romantic movies and novels and love songs and sonnets and soap operas? For starters, “The Princess Bride” comes to mind, an amazing storytelling exposition of true love.

I know, the siren song of divorce sings sweetly and alternately screams bloody murder — but let’s do our absolute best to pay attention to the true love stories expressed in all the genres mentioned above. No-fault divorce dresses up and struts like a sexy single woman and boasts like a handsome single man, but get closer and pay attention, and you’ll smell the foul stench of self-centered self-interest and selfishness run amok.

True, selfishness lurks in the heart of every human in every marriage and must be dealt with every day.

However, what happens when someone foolishly yields to selfishness via an outright affair or no-fault divorce followed by a second marriage? If anyone taking such a path expects to ride off into the sunset happily ever after with a new partner, they're deceiving themselves.

In my view, the evidence indicates plainly enough that the eventual outcome of such an approach to marriage is sadly foreseeable. If you believe that con game, someone will gladly sell you a bridge in Brooklyn and leave you adrift in an I-should-have-stayed-with-my-first-spouse ocean of regret and heartache.

ANCIENT WAY = BEST MODERN SOLUTION

The ancient way and adage — what God has joined together, let no one put asunder — is the genuine recipe for true love. It’s also the best modern solution for the treatment of our ongoing heart-wounds. A further analogy: No-fault divorce is like self-care on steroids. Genuine self-care is apparently a good practice, but misplaced self-care, coupled with no-fault divorce and another marriage, is ultimately a sad and hideous sight, as far as I can see.

You might be thinking — dude, enough already with this deluge of metaphors and word pictures and analogies about marriage and divorce. Stop, please — we get it!

OK, full disclosure, in case you’re weary of this lengthy essay: My heart is as dense and dyslexic as yours — if you aren’t familiar with the Paul Westerberg song “Dyslexic Heart” I recommend checking out the lyrics — so I hope and pray that all of these reminders are a safeguard for you and me and our families. Further, the corollary reality is really no secret: At a heart level, everyone is somehow guilty of an inner adultery.

Yes, we must avoid the descent into actual physical adultery like the plague — this is worth repeating — and also reject any tendency to pursue no-fault divorce. But since we all stray inside our hearts and minds, whether we’re coveting another body or a grass-seems-greener romance, no man or woman can point a condemning finger with any kind of self-righteous justification. We’re all lost orphaned children with deep heart-needs looking for the best way to our true home.

A caveat about these urgent divorce warnings: Perhaps it’s possible for a married couple to agree to part ways, the proverbial mutual divorce decision, and then move on and rebuild on the wreckage and find love again. I suppose such a story has occurred.

SEPARATION IF NECESSARY — NOT DIVORCE

However, the no-fault divorce I’m describing is a one-sided and one-spouse decision, precipitated not by physical adultery or abuse or pornography but by savage self-care: I’ve got to protect myself and do what’s best for myself, after all.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but since two people agree to get married — and promise to stay faithful through thick and thin, ups and downs, better and worse — how fair is it for only ONE person to end the marriage?

If a wife, for some reason that’s valid to her, wants to take a break from living with her husband — or vice versa — that’s a choice you can make, and more power to you. But if the other spouse is heartbroken and sees the inherent value of preserving the marriage union, don’t “reward” the selfish and love-clueless and toddler-tantrum-throwing spouse with a divorce — grant a legal separation so that the family stays intact and reunion is not only the common-sense goal, but also the only viable legal alternative.

A line from the classic Coldplay song “Fix You” applies here: “When you get what you want but not what you need” — that describes no-fault divorce to a T.

Now, what if you’ve already committed physical adultery or pursued a no-fault divorce? Hey, we all make mistakes, both major and minor, and we all fall down often. Yet how can we escape the wreckage of our self-inflicted and other-imposed wounds?

Evidently, the key is to keep getting back up, to keep making course corrections when needed, to somehow take the best next step with God’s help — to ask forgiveness and forgive and make amends whenever and wherever we need to. Indeed, forgiveness is available when we stumble and fall.

Let’s remember what Aragorn — the hidden king of “Lord of the Rings” fame — told the nervous young lad in “The Two Towers” movie in the face of a seemingly hopeless and impossible crisis: “There is always hope.”

ON SCARLET LETTERS AND ADULTERY

Remember the timeless novel “The Scarlet Letter” — perhaps from your high school or college English class? That scarlet letter A, which signifies adultery, is imprinted on everyone. Yes, every human on the planet, bar none. That is evidently what Jesus of Nazareth means when he says that lust — and, by reasonable extension, sexual fantasy — is equivalent to adultery of the heart.

So based on the law of the land of Israel in the first century, every human being is guilty of a capital crime — everyone, for the first-century sentence for adultery was death, period. However, does anyone in their right mind think that by saying this, Jesus is literally equating inner heart-adultery with physical adultery?

In other words, does anyone who understands that 10+10=20 really think that Jesus is saying a married person who finds someone else attractive and lusts for that someone and is tempted to pursue that someone — but resists the temptation and doesn’t commit physical adultery — is therefore guilty of physical adultery? And does anyone who realizes that 10x10=100 think Jesus is really saying that married people who struggle with lust, but don’t engage in a physical affair, have given their spouses even a remotely good reason for divorce?

Does anyone operating on more than two watts — and I mean ANYONE — truly believe this is what Jesus teaches about marriage and divorce and adultery?

Further, the overwhelming evidence in the magnum opus of Jesus’ life and teachings — aka the four biographies of Jesus, a collection of historical records typically referred to as the New Testament gospels — is that there is one God-honoring reason for divorce, and only one: physical adultery.

To understand this, here’s a simple recommendation for those who profess the Christian worldview: Read the Old and New Testament Scriptures and interpret them accurately. For those who don't give much credence to these documents, here’s a corresponding recommendation — for all those who share a common humanity as God’s self-described image-bearers, whether or not you attend church — simply read the law of love written in every human heart by our Creator since the beginning of human history.

Students of the Scriptures know that the New Testament letters have more to say about marriage and divorce. This column isn't addressing the specifics of those letters, only what is clear based on how Jesus is quoted in the gospel-biographies. A closer look at the comments and instructions about marriage in the New Testament letters will have to wait for another day and another essay.

In any event, I digress … let’s return to our regularly scheduled program.

A confession of sorts: Even though I know 10+10=20, I still wonder at times whether Jesus’ instruction about lust indicates that He sees inner heart-adultery (aka lust) as a reason for divorce.

Yet every time I wonder about this, I attempt to think just a bit more clearly about the issue, asking for God’s logical heart-help as best I can, and then once more I reach the crystal-clear conclusion described above. To summarize: Yes, lust is heart-adultery, but lust CLEARLY isn’t identical to physical adultery — and lust and/or sexual fantasy are NEVER a good reason to pursue divorce — and the ONLY exception Jesus gives for divorce in those biographies, the only God-honoring reason for severing a marriage, is physical adultery aka physical infidelity. Period.

Oh, a further word about the term “crystal-clear” — my experience is that sometimes a reality that’s crystal-clear isn’t always as clear as day, for some days are so foggy and confusing that perfect clarity is impossible to attain, at least on those given foggy days.

BEWARE THE AFFAIR AND TOXIC TERRITORY

So a physical affair is a different story altogether — that’s a deal-breaker. If your spouse commits physical adultery, I believe it is basically self-evident that you as the offended spouse are free to divorce at will. Alternatively, you can instead choose to forgive and take your offending spouse back, as you wish.

Of course, Jesus of Nazareth places a premium on forgiveness and reconciliation in marriage and in other relationships — yet as clear as day, He identifies physical infidelity aka physical adultery as the sole God-sanctioned reason for divorce and a subsequent marriage, according to His teaching in the gospel-biographies.

By the way: A brief side note about appealing to Jesus of Nazareth as the best source and authority regarding the best way to navigate marriage-and-divorce decisions — God gives all humans amazing freedom to choose whose advice to trust and follow when it comes to marriage-and-family issues and every other issue people encounter on the proverbial journey of life. And at the end of the day, we all will choose to follow someone’s advice about how to best live life.

Once more, back to our regularly scheduled program…

Sexual intimacy is like the most stunning natural landscape, inviting joy and connection and ecstasy, yet situated right on a hidden fault line with a sign that reads, “High Voltage: Deep Danger” — but the adultery-offending spouse misreads the sign, vis-à-vis the dyslexic heart referenced above.

The bewitching lure of an illicit, seductive and tantalizing relationship — that's ultimately repulsive and deplorable — fogs the atmosphere so the “Danger” sign is misread. As a result, the adultery-prone husband or wife misconstrues the true interpretation and elucidation of the sign. Perhaps a vicious person who is jealous of another’s love has misunderstood and mangled the language of the faithful sign so it sounds a false note.

In the dense fog, instead of “High Voltage: Deep Danger” the message becomes “High Voltage: Seek A Stranger” — and then if some absolutely misguided friends and so-called experts, whether religious or secular or both, convince the vulnerable spouse that this alternate false message is legit, the horrific result is predictable. And when push comes to shove, aren’t we all vulnerable?

When an adultery-offending spouse taps into the sexual intimacy landscape on that hidden fault line, evidently a seismic event is triggered — causing a cascading heart-shaking and heartbreaking earthquake that potentially devastates the marriage relationship.

Adultery is a misdirection into toxic territory — and this might be the most heart-rending analogy of all, because the nature of toxic territory is that at first there’s no way to detect the cancer-causing toxicity, except by trusting the people and principles who are advocating avoidance of adultery’s toxic sludge.

The sobering Love Canal story, one of the worst environmental disasters in American history, is an acute illustration: A dream community of homes in Niagara Falls, New York, became a nightmare because the beautiful neighborhood was unwittingly built on a toxic waste site that, over time, caused birth defects and miscarriages and cancer. A delicious meal laced with arsenic will taste great but can nonetheless result in death.

CHURCH AND MARRIAGE ISSUES

I surely and sorely wish a local vocational church pastor had encouraged a close friend of mine to stay committed to her marriage and her husband. Instead, his poor counsel essentially encouraged her to file for a no-fault divorce — she told me this herself. He recklessly went directly against God’s heart for marriage, while also ignoring his own church denomination’s protocol for counseling a marriage in crisis.

Further, his advice to my friend went against all sound and sane teaching about marriage since the Church was birthed in the first century and, really, since marriage was ordained by God per the Genesis account. My close friend told this so-called pastor that her husband had confessed sexual fantasy many years ago — and do you want to hazard a guess as to what his response was, according to my friend’s recollection of their conversation?

Believe it or not, this young lead pastor instructed my friend that she has a God-honoring reason for divorce — what is sometimes referred to in church circles as “biblical grounds” for divorce — and therefore he has carelessly and shamelessly led her astray, into the toxic territory of adultery. And this tragic story gets worse: Would you believe that an entire church leadership team backed him up — and later gave this hired pastoral employee a hefty salary increase, to boot?

Go figure … and c’est la vie.

What analogy can we use to describe such a travesty of religious misdirection and disgraceful advice?

How about this: When a male pastor, via so many misguided words, encourages a married woman to pursue a no-fault divorce and that woman naively marries someone else, this vocational pastor is no longer acting as a true pastor. Instead, he is acting as a pimp — perhaps tripping on his tragically twisted authority.

Such catastrophic church events have occurred before, and they’re virtually guaranteed to occur again because too often people in the church are clueless. And you’re right, too often people in the secular realm are also clueless — the Clueless Company is evidently an equal-opportunity employer.

Is the real-life event described above comparable to any real-life situations in your church community? If so, I sure hope you’re doing everything in your power to make amends, and I hope I am too.

A case can certainly be made that whenever someone commits a transgression, such as physical adultery or inner-heart adultery, it is a disgraceful travesty — and in that case, there are mea culpas all around. However, what is troubling about this situation is the distressing dynamic of a religious leader causing someone to stumble into harmful territory. When Jesus addresses the seriousness of this scenario, He issues a universal warning that includes references to millstones around necks and ocean depths and death by drowning.

A further query: Do you think it’s possible for church leaders to be guilty of supporting the horror of genocide and cold-blooded murder and divorce? The sad answer is yes — it happened in Rwanda and Nazi Germany, and it happens far too often across our state and nation and world.

By the way, insofar as we’re all children at heart, this local vocational pastor is internally a scared and hurt little boy who has made his own clueless and confused decisions, perhaps in a mistaken and misguided attempt to salvage his own heartbreaking family history. If he recognizes his wrong and repents and changes his tune, he can of course be forgiven.

Meanwhile, I hope and pray that my close friend is forgiven and absolved of blame and protected from harm — for she is an amazing woman, among the smartest and most sensitive people I’ve ever known.

The necessity of the recognition-and-repentance process is universal and global for every human — for me, you and all of our family and friends on this mysterious and sometimes macabre and sometimes magnificent journey of life.

When my Dad committed adultery again, the gifted vocational pastor of my New Jersey church was a straight shooter and told my Dad: I’ve never seen anyone more cold-bloodedly murder a marriage. Yet after apparently wandering from both his earthly and eternal homes, the evidence — inherent in a dream my Mom experienced shortly before my Dad passed — indicates that he repented and corrected course and found his way home again, by the grace and truth of God.

That, however, is a story for another day.

February is a month for love, as the Valentine’s Day holiday indicates. In my better moments, I believe in a Creator who is the source of true love — who can cleanse any and all toxic sludge — and who welcomes the prodigal wild child home. +

Bruce William Deckert is the founder, publisher and editor-in-chief of Today Magazine and Today Online — he has received multiple awards from the Society of Professional Journalists for his writing, editing and design work — and he believes all people merit awards when we leverage our various God-given gifts for good •

Bruce grew up in the Church and has attended services at local churches that represent the range of Christendom — from Catholic to Protestant, and Baptist to Brethren, and Pentecostal to Presbyterian — for most of his life, he has been an active participant in the Presbyterian tradition, primarily in New Jersey and Connecticut •

Bruce has worked full-time in the media realm since 1996 — from 1999-2017 as an editor for ESPN.com and ESPN Digital Media — and even though he is considered an adult now, based on chronological age, he continues to try to discern what he wants to be when he grows up — and, especially and much more importantly, what God wants him to be when he grows up •

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While working at ESPN, Bruce William Deckert launched a blog:

• A Slow Life in the FAST Lane

• FAST = Faith And Sports Talk

• Musings (hopefully coherent) on the intersection of faith and sports

• Three blog posts on the marriage-sports connection:

FAST Blast – Musings on sports and marriage • Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 •

Bruce has written a book — for young people of all ages:

• Serengeti Friendship: Soccer Forgiveness

• Chosen for World Cup Exhibition at the Nelson Mandela Foundation

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Featuring community news that matters nationwide, Today Magazine Online aims to record Connecticut’s underreported upside — covering the heart of the Farmington Valley and beyond

Today Magazine and Today Online are produced by Today Publishing

• 5 Farmington Valley Towns • 1 Aim — Exceptional Community Journalism

• Avon • Canton • Farmington • Granby • Simsbury • Connecticut • USA

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Hookup Redux – Contemplating marriage, divorce and genocide

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